How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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