You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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