i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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