i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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