k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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