I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
