god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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