i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
