I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
