i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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