69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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