So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
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he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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