If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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