there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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