i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
