Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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