Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
