I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
