the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
