I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
