I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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