Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
