Four minutes until I can fart!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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