Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
barbara walters just said penis...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
