it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
