the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
