i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
