I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
