Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
