So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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