Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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