The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
