you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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