Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
