got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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