Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
