I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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