Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
