honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
