I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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