I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
