I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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