he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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