It was confusing and full of hummus
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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