Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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