My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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