Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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