Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
