quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
