So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
