and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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