I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I want to fling myself into the sun
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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