I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Drunk is a universal language darling
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