Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
