If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
how drunk are you?
Several
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
