my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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