my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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