You just made me feel so damn special
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
