My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
