Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize