I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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